Wondering...

I used to think potential adoption opportunities were signs from God that we were not forgotten, that we needed to hold tight, that our turn would come.  Even if there was  disappointment, I would feel comforted that we were 'on the radar.' 

A couple of days ago, a friend in Minnesota messaged me on FB of a possible situation of a baby to be born next week.  She heard about it and couldn't think of a better family than us.  To be thought of in that way was just so wonderful.  They wanted a strong Catholic family with their homestudy already complete (WOO HOO!!!) who are both in there 30's........anyone not meeting all requirements 'need not apply.'  UGH.

Iain still in his 30's (for another ten weeks) but I have already crossed that line. I always though my age was a gift and would help narrow the scope of possibilities for us.  But now, I'm wondering if my age is going to be a deal-breaker.  Even though mentally, I know that this baby wasn't meant for us....I'm starting to wonder if we'll always be passed over because of my/our age.

When I told Iain about the situation - I burst into tears.I was just so sad.  Maybe it's because I have absolutely no control in planning our family and it such a challenge to accept.  Maybe it's because I know we have a ticking clock.  It's not that I don't have faith that it could happen, it's that I'm aware of the reality that I might be called to accept the fact that it won't happen. 

Last night I got a call from a long time friend that jumped on the adoption train before we did.  They've had all sorts of ups and downs and yesterday that finally got 'the call.'  The birthmother of a five day old baby girl chose them.  I'm ecstatic for them.  Genuinely ecstatic.  They're with the same agency as we are so I'm super glad that we didn't get a placement before them.  It also gave me a tiny bit of hope.  What a vast abyss of unknown this adoption journey is.  It just leaves me wondering....`