We worked tirelessly this time last year to complete the pages and pages of questions and give more autobiographical information that either of us wanted to know about ourselves - much less share. At the beginning of this year our adoption worker left the agency which became a small hiccup. We love the girl who took her place and I actually went to high school with her. It was an easy transition, but something happened to us. Part of it was that life became incredibly busy with my husband's job and I was alone a lot with a very spirited almost two year old. We became plagued with doubt as individuals and as a couple. I doubted that there are actually birthmother's placing right now. I doubted that a possible birth mother would even choose us. I doubted my ability to juggle Gianna and a newborn in my 40's. I doubted my ability to hear God's voice.
For many months, we were were at a complete standstill and fell very stuck (nothing to do w/the agency - just us.) Everything was complete - except our dern TB tests (just Iain's and mine.) We dragged our feet. We were barely keeping our heads above water in these challenging chapter in our lives. We didn't even talk about it - not because we didn't care, but because we when we saw each other we were wrangling our toddler or just plumb exhausted.
I began to get really overwhelmed and it seemed I was completely by surrounded by new babies and pregnancies. Neither of those things usually bother me in themselves -- what started to bother me was how easy it is for some people to plan their families. There's one friend that I know who has six kids. She's hilarious and such a great mom and was sharing with me when she had five kids that she planned on getting pregnant with her sixth just as soon as they finished their kitchen cabinets. I laughed at how that sounded. But wouldn't you know, just as soon as they finished their doggone cabinets and she got pregnant (probably ten minutes later!) I remember crying in private when I heard her news. I looked up to heaven and said, "Really, God? Does it really happen like that for people?" I never knew for sure if I'd become a parent. And I certainly don't know if they're will be another child for us.
Doubts began turning into fear for me. There were two fears that stood out among all the smaller ones. Interestingly they are diametrically opposed. The first fear is that a second adoption would never happen. The second fear is that it would.
Now, I know that fear is not of God. I know that I was at a low point and just worn down and frustrated by current circumstances.
It wasn't just fear ~ it was a deep sense of sadness. I can't make my body produce a baby. I can't make a birthmother choose adoption - and then choose us to be that baby's parents.
And if doubt, fear and sadness isn't enough, let's add guilt to the mix. There's a guilt of having an absolutely precious child - and wanting another when I know there are thousands of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat and would be happy being able to have just one. I feel guilty that I'm not being grateful for just becoming a parent.
I don't want Gianna to ever think that she wasn't enough. We are surprised about how full she makes our hearts and lives. If she'll be our only, then by golly she'll be one lucky little girl with awesome experiences that might be easier for us to provide.
The complication lies in the fact that a large part why we'd love another child is FOR Gianna. I'm sure the transition would be bumby, but she'd be the best big sister. And in my opinion, I believe she craves a sibling, even though she might not know what that concept means.
With all of our pregnant friends, she's beginning to understand the concept of having a baby in the tummy. She gets so excited to name our pregnant friends in prayer. Many times she says, "And MOMMY have baby in her tummy!" My heart breaks. It just makes me so sad that I can't provide that for her.
When I pray with Gianna we often pray that God will send us a new baby. It's usually followed by Gianna saying, "C'mon Mommy, let's go get her/him." I cry.
A couple of months ago, Iain and I finally had the opportunity to talk about our journey, our feelings and what we thought God was calling us to do. We laid everything out on the table, so to speak, and decided we need to finish what we started, enter the wait and let God move. If a situation came up and we didn't feel right about it, we could always say no. If it so happens that Gianna is an only child and she asks us one day why she doesn't have a brother or sister, then we will at least have the peace of telling her all we did to open to the doors to that possibility. We can say, "God's plan was different from ours."
So the update is...TB tests done. Final homestudy approved by us and signed by Social Worker, last visit by adoption worker. Done. Done. Done. We received the official study in the mail and we're 'in the book' both in SW Louisiana and Northern Louisiana. The Adoption worker, while in our home watching Gianna in action and looking at our pictures said to me, "Gosh, Maria. You should've really had ten kids." What do you say to that? Except, "Well, Cathi, that's why YOU'RE here! Let's change the number from 10 to 2 -- and we'll call it fair."
Since Gianna was five weeks old, we have been approached about a half dozen times about potential adoption opportunities from various friends and acquaintances. They've obviously never come to fruition for our family. Frankly, they're pretty stressful and exhausting. At first the possibilities were exciting and full of hope. After a while, it just has become a discouraging distraction. I've decided to see these situations as a message from God saying, "I haven't forgotten you." Even if we don't have another child - I know He hasn't forgotten us (even though it feels that way sometimes and I reserve the right to throw some serious pity parties.)
So just in time for another Advent - we wait. This time I'm not certain if we're waiting for another baby or a sign that Gianna is going to be an 'only.' I do know that there is a window of time that we have that we'd be open to a baby. Just so you know, God has been made fully aware of this window. I'm sure if you listen hard enough, you can hear Him laughing right now.
Today is the feast day of St. Andrew. As I did the year before Gianna found us, I am beginning a novena to him ending on Christmas Eve. I know God is faithful and is preparing our hearts, no matter what the next chapter is for our family.
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