Sightings

Yesterday, I saw Maddie and Collin. 

They are the two precious children with whom we began the adoption process 2 years ago and were placed with us for six weeks.  I happened to be visiting my friend who is the mother of our godchild, Nate.  She recently moved a couple of  houses down from Maddie and Collin's birthfather.  It's also a block from the pro-life center that we adopted our baby through.  I always drive slowly when I pass their house hoping to catch a glimpse of those sweet little munchkins.  I never have.  Until yesterday.

I've sort of prayed that I wouldn't ever run in to them face to face - more for their sake than mine.  I wouldn't want to confuse them or open old wounds.

But as I was loading a gift into my van, I happened to hear children playing and looked up and saw these two precious children playing in a boat parked in their yard.  I recognized Maddie in a blink. She's six now, with that same little pageboy haircut.  I had to strain to see Collin and oh, how I wanted to get a better look.  He wasn't much older than Gianna is now when we had him.  He's four now - no more baby.  I darted back inside to see if I could sneak a closer look from a window without being seen...but it wasn't so easy.

I imagined my heart would race.

It didn't.

I imagined I would lose my breath and start shaking.

I didn't.

I imagined I'd be filled with sadness and concern. 

I wasn't. 

I never imagined that I would just feel peace and gratitude.
But, I did.
I was just so grateful I had the opportunity to lay eyes on those precious babies again.

It surprised me.

Two years ago, we agreed to parent these two children having never laid eyes on them. We hadn't even seen a picture of them.  Meeting them for the first time was so bizarre.  They were beautiful and full of life and we just couldn't imagine when it was that we would FEEL like their parents.  It wasn't immediate. But it eventually happened. It was like someone flipped a switch and we loved them with the intensity and passion that any parent would love their child. 

When we knew the legal procedings were corrupt, and that we would be fighting an uphill (and unfair) battle, we didn't how we would ever stop loving them as our children.  But as mysteriously as those feelings were turned on, they were turned off too.  Not the love....that will never turn off.  It was the reality that they were no longer ours.  God's mercy became very real to me throughout that whole emotional flux.  He gave us what we needed, when we needed it.  I believe He needed us to parent them for those six weeks...and to offer them intense, healing, unconditional love. And he used our "yes" to bring about hundreds of prayer warriors for them. 

It was horrible to have had the experience of being Mommy and Daddy and then being stripped of that title and role in one day.  It was certainly one of the most intense grief experiences of our lives.  We will probably never fully understand that whole chapter in our lives and God's purpose in all that.  We feel we answered God's call, and that just has to be good enough for now.

So, for now, I'm grateful for my sighting. I'm grateful for having known Maddie and Collin.
I'm especially grateful for my role as Mommy to our sweet Gianna.