The Rest of the Story...

Dear Friends and Family,

Yesterday was our day of closure with Maddie and Collin.

We woke up that morning in our very quiet house feeling like we were getting ready to go to a funeral, not believing the turn of events that led us here.

LEGAL MESS
An hour before our appointment with the psychologist, our attorney had called giving us even more information about birth family and their shenanigans; even more damaging evidence against the birth father; and even more testimony of how people were supporting us and even wanting to raise money to help us continue the fight and expose the injustices and get a lot of this information on public record, etc.

We looked at each other and just shook our heads. We knew that no amount of money, fight, or exposure would ever change the situation without causing more damage to the children. The children, and their needs, have always been our focus.

If I outlined everything we know about this case for you, no one would ever believe me. It was very clear in the meeting with the birth father's parents that the we had already been set up for failure and the odds were stacked against us in a very unfair & unjust manner (and trust me when I tell you that is not the original way I worded that sentence.)

You'll be happy to know that although this influential figure that I've spoken of (who I don't mind saying now....is also a judge) and his wife got an earful of "truth" from my mouth when I realized their was no way they were going to let this go. I told them that I thought their kids (the birth parents) were incompetent, irresponsible, immature and not in the best interest of these kids. I also told them that I knew that Iain and I were the best parents for these children regardless of what studies say that "it has been proven that is ALWAYS better for the kids if the biological parents raise them." Yeah, that was the judge's quote. Scary, huh?

Had we chosen to pursue this adoption with a possible 10% chance of winning, our lives would have been filled with fear for ourselves and the children and we would never have been able to provide the secure environment that these kids deserve. Please know that we DID fight for these kids. We made this decision to withdraw from the legal proceedings FOR them. We did NOT give up on them and we did not act out of fear. Our decision was made out of love.

BACK TO OUR DAY
As we traveled to see the psychologist (which was actually should have been Maddie's appointment for evaluation) we discovered that anger feels a heck of a lot better than the intense grief that we had been immersed in. Whatever energy grief sucked out of us.........anger was pouring back in.

I probably don't have to mention that the psychologist was no less than stunned at the turn of events in this situation. For someone who works rather closely with the legal system, it was apparent to her that there were major inconsistencies and highly unusual (and dare I say, unethical behavior [my word choice - not hers]) in this case.

She gave us sound advice on how to bring closure to our relationship with Maddie & Collin and what our final conversation with them should include. What brought us the greatest peace was that she validated our decision and told us that in this case, the more courageous thing was to legally withdraw instead of pursuing an ugly, long and fruitless legal battle...especially since it was in the best interest of the children. For us, that was the icing on the cake.

THE CHERRY ON TOP
We left the psychologist's office to pick up Maddie and Collin. We could never have prepared ourselves for what that visit would be like.

Those who have seen the children with us know the strong attachment and love they have for us. When we got to the grandparents house, Maddie would hardly look at us. She clung to the grandmother like we were dangerous strangers. Collin did come running to us. But he, too, was different. Maddie didn't even want to come home with us at first. She softened after a few minutes and we loaded them up and headed to our house.

They would squeak out forced smiled occasionally but their eyes were cast downward. Iain and I were in disbelief that in 36 hours, these kids were changed. I just shook my head and looked at Iain saying, "Oh my God, they are not our kids anymore." They were not the same kids, with the same sparkle in their eyes.

We had asked the grandparents the other night that they refrain from correcting the kids when they referred to us as "Mommy and Daddy" at least until we could tell them goodbye and explain why they would no longer see us. We have no doubt that was not honored, and can only imagine what they were told. They seemed dazed and confused.

We are pretty certain too that their coping mechanisms kicked in and their apparent detachment was survival for them. I'm sure being in their old environment surfaced their old behaviors. Their sweet little spirits and impeccable manners were all but gone. They fought with each other (rare in our home), Collin was kicking and throwing things (even more rare) and bubbly constant conversation had turned into occasional comments. We were shocked.

We thought that the first day we met Collin & Maddie was the most bizarre day of our lives. These precious kids we had never seen before were calling us "Mommy and Daddy" and it felt so strange. This last day was equally as bizarre if not even more. We had so much difficulty wrapping our brains around it all - we could only imagine what their little minds were thinking.

Our Last Supper
One of our favorite parts of our everyday life with these kids has always been meal time. They always swung out their hands, said their blessings and, on their own, concluded with, "Thank you, Jesus, por our pood." (They couldn’t say the “f” sound.) They were always so cute and funny at meal time.

For the past six weeks, almost all of their meals were homemade and we filled them with fruits and vegetable and the healthiest of foods....hardly any refined sugar. No soda or juice. Their health improved drastically.

Our last meal was a greasy little pizza from Pizza Hunt, all the soda and straight apple juice they wanted and Mommy made sure to defrost all the Easter chocolate so we could be sure to send them home with happy, full bellies. (I was a good Mommy for six weeks.......for the last 30 minutes I was a cool and fun Mommy - that was my special going away prize...mainly for the grandparents........ I gotta say, it felt REALLY good.) Shame on me. :)

WHY US?
During our last meal, Iain looked at me and said, "Why us?" Why were we chosen for all of this."

I don't know the full answer to that question, but I do know this much:
We were chosen, because God needed our "yes" to move in these little lives and in this messy situation. It was the most difficult and scary yes of our lives and we know not everyone could make that choice. We have a bible full of examples of how God used the "yeses" of very simple, ordinary people to make mighty and extraordinary things happen.
You can get much more simple and ordinary that Iain & I.

God used many "yeses" of special people to bring about a level of protection for Maddie & Collin:
* The "yeses" of Marcia Schexnider and Marjorie Long and the many dedicated workers of New Life Counseling who continually intervened as angels in the lives of all four of these children from the very beginning and who provided for the birthparents when they could not or would not provided for the children.
* The "yes" of "Aunt Jeanne" (and her family) who was an absolute savior in beginning the physical, emotional and spiritual healing of the kids. In my opinion, Jeanne was their first "real" mother and their first model of true unconditional love.
* The "yes" of our social worker, Koni Bridges, who helped us "bridge" the transition of the children to our home and help us determine how to deal with our major concerns for the kids.
* The "yes" of "Aunt Dana" whose tireless hours of help, organization and coordination afforded us precious time with our children and most of our necessary supplies of clothing, toys, etc. (and there were MANY other generous and meaningful contributions in this area!)
* The "yes" of our psychologist, Pat Post, who is filled with integrity, wisdom, compassion and who has the best interest of children at heart.
* The "yes" of Sid Rosteet, our attorney, who has gained our complete trust and respect for not only representing us and our interests, but for being an absolute champion, hero and undying advocate for these 2 children their entire lives (and all the children he's ever helped through adoption)
* The "yes" of our family and closest friends who took the time to meet, get to know and truly love Maddie and Collin and who treated them as they were always part of our family and would always be.

I believe the roadblocks in this case were because of "no's" that key figures answered to the call of God:

* The "no" of the judge who was to hear this case and did not allow essential information to be heard and did not automatically recuse himself despite the obvious conflict of interest.
* The "no" of the court appointed attorney for the children who neglected to familiarize himself with the case, make preparations for it or to contact the children (through us) to find out the concerns of the situation.
* The "no" of the birthfather when he repeatedly made irresponsible and reckless decisions and continued to place these two children in danger.
* The “no” of the birthmother to remove the children from danger and to make poor choices prior to the surrender of the children
* The "no" of the grandparents who waited four years to do anything to protect these children from the obvious mistakes the parents were making.
* The "no" of the birthfather's attorney to any ethical treatment of this case, for his bullying threats, his blatant conflict of interest with OCS.......don't even start me on this one!

***** I refuse to name these "players" in this unfortunate drama, not because they don't deserve it, but because we have tried to take the moral high ground throughout this whole crazy journey. How they can sleep at night, I'll never know. Just be assured that we do not have a legal system that is completely fair and that many of the casualties of the faulty system are innocent children.

We believe God used us to rally the troops of prayer warriors for these children. There are literally thousands of people who are praying for them now.......thanks to all of YOUR yeses and prayers. We might not have been able to change the circumstances of their lives, but prayer can. We may never know how much all of our prayers will have affected the outcome of their lives.

We could not fight all of the legal issues and injustices in this case, but now people's eyes are opened and prayer has the power to affect the changes in ways we were limited. Maybe the birthfather and his family will be inspired to change. We can only hope.

It occurred to me that our "Holy Week" wasn't 2 weeks ago.......it was this week.
* It included our Garden of Gethsemane where the desperate prayer was "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."
* It included the Last Supper when we became painfully aware that the end was near
* It included an unfair trial which should have never happened
* It included a confrontation with public officials who should have acted more justly
* It included a long, lonely walk to what looked to be the darkest day of our lives
* It includes an unimaginable and cruel ending
* And it includes our time in the tomb for God to do His thing.

As we lie in our “tomb” we now await Resurrection.

In all honesty, Iain and I doing okay. It’s been another opportunity to build and reveal our character as well as to strengthen our marriage. There's an old Dolly Parton song that's entitled, "It's All Wrong, But It's Alright." We are alright regardless of how wrong this all seems. We will be fine.

If you remember my first email a couple of months ago I talked about how "we make plans and God laughs" Here's a little more ironical laughter for you...........

* last week, we bought a flippin' mini-van! a MINI VAN!!!! (but we LOVE it!)
* my profession is now a "stay-at-home ex-mom" - how's that for a title
* we've got a theme park in our backyard that you can see a block away.... and no kids
* we figure the next time most of you see us we'll either be 40 pounds lighter or 40 pounds heavier........it could go either way at this point.

My first email also included a quote from Katherine Hepburn (of all people) that we had included in our adoption profile:

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, and everything to do with what you are expecting to give ~ which is EVERYTHING."
We gave everything we had. God blessed it (and us) and made it abundant. We were parents to Maddie and Collin for six blessed, glorious, challenging weeks. We will love them as our own until our dying breaths (and even beyond.) Please continue to pray for them and those who are charged with their care. We know that the next weeks for them will be so confusing and full of questions and grief.

Thank you, again, for loving, supporting and praying for all of us.

After this email........I may not be writing one for a while. (I think my keyboard is actually smoking as I write!!) I will eventually respond to your emails and calls....just give me time.

And please know that this is not the last chapter in our adoption story. We know God has plans for us and our family. (We would not mind a bit if the next chapter in our story was a little less eventful. We much prefer “vanilla” to “rocky road.”)

With love and gratitude,
Maria & Iain
www.fotki.com/lewisfamily (photos)